Life is confusing. Just when you thought everything is perfect, something comes up that would make you realize otherwise. I believe so much in fate and that every single thing that happens to you, happens for a reason. Fate and free will...hmm here's when it all gets messed up. Let me put it this way. I firmly believe that your life and all its crazy options have already been laid out for you by the Higher Up. So how does free will work? Well, in that laid out plan are different paths or what I call forks in the the road of your life. As fate will only bring you so far as to those so-called forks, free will will require you to decide which path to take. It's like those Choose Your Own Adventure books we used to read when we were kids. Now the funny thing is, it's so hard to find out - almost close to impossible- which of those two paths is the best one for you. One of these paths is what I'd like to call "God's Best". And man, you will never really know until you do your scary selection. Or will you ever really know??? You'll never know you've chosen the wrong path until you realize how dissatisfied you are and it's too late already to retrace your steps and go the other way. Now if you think you've chosen God's Best for you, what if you thought it IS God's Best but then again things would’ve been way better if you have chosen the other. And here is where all the fucked-up craziness comes in...what if you have already chosen a path, and then something better, more exciting comes your way? How on earth would you know if that something that came along is God's Best for you or just a great challenge, temptation or test that you have to overcome to re-affirm your faithfulness (or dedication?) in the path you already chose? How will you know??? I want to know!!! Life is crazy. Life is a gamble. I sometimes get the feeling that we are merely pawns, sources of hilarious entertainment by the Almighty -- with all the thrills brought about by watching us go hella crazy deciding on which path to take, laughing at us when we end up choosing the wrong one after endless and sleepless nights of deliberation, and laughing at our pride when we thought we chose wisely when we truly have not. Life is sick sometimes. I hate thinking this way! There are times when you ask for signs just to come up with the most sane decision. Most of the time you think you got your sign but what if all there is to your sign is a pathetic, obscure coincidence? Man oh man! I'm getting old. With all the wrong decisions I made in the past, it scares the hell out of me to make the wrong decision once again as I know it will affect my life in all its entirety. I've gone into being a risk-taker to just plain risk-averse. Why am I writing all these? It is inevitable that I will get to a point in my life where I need to make a life-changing decision and when that time comes, I know I cannot bear to have regrets with whatever decision I'll be coming up with. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could take even just a small peek into my future. Who can help me at times like these??? I know when I pray to God, He'll just tell me "girl, you have got to learn to make your own decisions!" Crap. I cannot do this. There will always be Option A, Option B or even Option C. Each of your options will always entail endless “What Ifs” and probably some regrets and all you have to do is choose the one that has the least. It’s totally easier said than done, I know! Oh my God this is crazy!!! Am I scaring the hell out of you? I hope my life had a Board of Directors to come up with decisions for me! Because just thinking about life-changing decisions I have to make, I know I cannot do that alone. I would need divine intervention in its purest and highest form! Lord, when that time comes & I am on the verge of giving up, please believe me when I say that I cannot decide on it and I lift the situation to you. Whatever you will for me, I will accept. But please oh please make your will clear because all that I have ever wanted is peace, love and joy. Hmmm...sounds like a prayer? Well then, Amen!
© 2006 by Karen Cornejo
